I feel like I need to address the elephant with the purple polka dotted tutu in the room….
Some or most have noticed my lack of “presence” either online or with my duties for my various projects. I’ve kept a lot to myself and there is a ton more that I will continue to keep to myself. Most know me as the fun loving Shani who posts all sorts of random stuff, over shares at times, and generally enjoys life. That’s still me, but I’ve taken some quiet time in the last six months. I feel like it’s time to just throw some things out there and ask that you please take a moment to read this and respect it.
My life has changed quite a bit in the last few months. My family is going through a very trying time (to put it mildly) and we’re all trying to adjust. I have 3 teenagers and let me tell you, NONE of that is easy! It’s even harder when your family is separated. Chris and I are no longer together and it’s taken a toll on me physically and emotionally. I didn’t really understand how deeply until this last round of me being sick came up. As hard as it is, things are already better in a lot of respects. It’s not easy no matter how long you’ve been together (18 years, married nearly 17), how many kids, pets, clothes, ghosts, aliens (running for humor here!) you have. In the end it hurts. It hurts a lot more when you’re someone like me who doesn’t take change or failure easily. Not to sound too cliche on the topic, but we really do love each other and it’s for the best. No matter what happens, we have to make things right between us FOR our kids. We’re trying to stay friends and to make it right. In the end our babies are the only ones that matter.
With trying to keep up with work stuff, projects, the kids stuff, the holidays, bills, job loss, my separation, trying to communicate effectively with Chris, all of the housing issues. it wore me down. We had finally hit a level of “things are going to be ok” finally and me really believing it when I got hit with a bad cold suddenly. Maelynne had it first and it knocked her down so hard she was sick for two weeks. It knocked me down hard enough that I felt like I’d been hit by a massive boulder. I have other health issues (including Fibromyalgia) that has been hit as well. The amount of pain I’ve been in for the last two weeks was bad enough I had to get checked out. It’s not an easy thing to deal with when you feel “ok” as it is, but thrown in with everything else it got me pretty hard. I’ve always been open about the disorders/diseases I’ve had to live with. I’m not ashamed by them. But I’m ashamed in myself at how bad things got to me suddenly. Because I knew I had to slow down and trying to relax, and I kept on going and going. Maybe this was the “wake the hell up you idiot” moments that I needed. My visit to the doctor this week helped things clear a bit more along with just things at home.
I’m not going to go into a whole lot more about what’s going on in my life, because it doesn’t really need to be said. What does need to be said is, “I’m sorry.” Why? Because I’ve let others down. People I work with, those who I’ve hurt or caused issues with due to my absence. Because I haven’t been able to pull myself far enough up out of the mess to get a better grip on things. It’s not fair to anyone around me, to my family especially.
That’s why I wanted to address this flat out so I can move on and get myself back into a better flow of things. My life has never been an easy one that’s for sure. With my focus snapped back into some sort of chaotic order (the one that works for me that is!) I feel like I can get to a better path. I plan on getting back to work stuff next week but slowing down to a better level. I’m not going to take on too much and end up hurting myself even more. I need to bring that part of me back that has gotten lost in the last few months under the strain of the chaos. I’m working on it, and all I can do is ask that ya’ll be patient with me as I sort things out and get organized better. My goal is for Monday to come and I’ll be back with my checklists, a schedule for myself and a better sense of self in general.
Thank you for taking time to read my little update and for being understanding. I know not everyone will accept this or understand. That’s ok, I’ve done what I should have done before and laid it out there. Now, all I can do is move forward and find some peace as I tackle this next chapter of my life. HA...chapter...get it? Bookish stuff...books...Crazy Shani….ahahahahah
Ok yeah, Bookish, Crazy, Neenja master, Looney Shani is on a come back! Can ya tell? :)
Thank you so much to all of you for your love and support.